A semi-public diary entry #1: downtime day
I am a roller coaster of feeling after my break up. Here is writing from my downtime.
Thanks for your patience with me getting out any writing for you, my paid supporters. I appreciate your support. It is feeding me, literally, buying me groceries. I have writing about my relationship to my dad being wrecked by social justice culture in my drafts, but it’s not fully complete. Here is some personal writing. Alas, no social commentary in this one.
Almost 3 weeks have passed since my break up. Today is a day I lack faith and focus. I go to the gym for an hour and a half while my mom gets her nails done down the street. I haven’t had their extra car since before I left California because my brother needs it. I am too broke to buy my own. I work designing my merch on the treadmill. I finish my workout and use the massage chair. I go home and eat lunch. I practice my harp. I can’t complete Zelda’s lullaby because my harp does not have enough strings. I figure out the melody of Go Away and Come Back Hither and record it, but I don’t share it. I do not feel beautiful yet. I have no command over my instrument.
I admit I relapsed and redownloaded Instagram. I wanted to show someone how to set up Reels Play bonuses. I zone out for hours on fitness reels and come to, wondering where the day went. I feel like I’m floating. I opened my book draft on my iPad hours ago but cannot bring myself to write. I am emotionally numb, which suggests there is something I am trying to numb from.
I move from my recliner to my bed. My body aches from my exercises. It is 12 degrees today, but I don’t know if I could manage much of a walk anyway. I am thinking about protein now. My frozen pasta lunch has 30g. I do math in my head and wish I didn’t. It seems unhelpful, a track I don’t feel like walking. I don’t want to count anything.
Instead, I stare out the window and let the sun into my eyes. It feels soft, like the gentle gaze of someone who loves me. I cry. I miss him. He loved me, and what if no one else will? He saw what is beautiful about me, and what if no one else can? I succumb to my broken heart.